It would be really easy for me to lie to you guys and churn out a super motivational post about how great I feel after a week of running as I planned and meditating every morning before work and being better at time management and stress. But the truth is, that would be total bull. I failed at every single goal I set this week, and not like by a little bit, by a whole lot.
Things I said I’d do this week:
- Not start working until I meditated and stretched
- Run 5 times
- Leave my cell phone in another room so I can engage with family
- Hug Maddy when I forget why I’m doing all this
- Not work when Maddy goes to bed
- Stop feeling guilty
- Leave myself time to get from place to place
- Listen to happy music and dance.
Things I actually did this week:
- Listened to a meditation one morning. . . while checking email
- Ran 2 times. I even snapped an Instagram photo after my second run and posted it to make it seem like I was really good at hitting my goals. Picture took 10 tries to get right.
- Had my cell phone on me at all times, but was better about not being sucked into things. . .kinda.
- Hugged Maddy. Like a lot. But in that, “I’m not letting you go no matter how much you struggle,” way. On an unrelated note, she started slapping me in the face this week.
- Worked every night after Maddy went to bed.
- Left myself extra to get to my first meeting of the week, but did not account for downtown traffic and construction (because Nashville is apparently now akin to Germany during reconstruction after WWI), allowed my meeting to run over, promptly forgot where I parked my car adding 30 minutes to my already murdered schedule, causing me to run into my house 15 seconds before the start of my next call, which turned out to be a video conference, so my sweat was apparent.
- Cried in my car during every commute to and from anywhere.
- Felt constant guilt, anxiety, and fear.
Objectively speaking, this was the worst week ever. I feel like the universe heard how smug I was about my ability to become a little more controlled and a little less hysterical and decided to mess with me. And in the one bright moment of the hardest day, while playing peek-a-boo with my adorably innocent daughter as she took a warm bath, she decided to poop in the tub for the first time in her life. As I sprayed her toys, my tub, and everything within 5 feet of the bathtub with Lysol, I realized just how off-track the week had gotten and became thankful it was almost over. Then I realized it was Tuesday night.
I can’t be completely negative about everything that happened. Every week I learn to lean on Jennifer just a little bit more, not just as a business partner (re: wife) but as a friend too. My husband and I had a small bump that taught us a lot about one another; stuff we somehow hadn’t learned in our 9 years as a couple. Maddy discovered sidewalk chalk and how to say the words, “go” and “cool”. And we did have some great wins with Ink & Well. It’s just hard for us to acknowledge them when our pace is so fast and when the business we built to help us more effectively fill our roles as moms sometimes feels like it’s done the opposite. This week, we just hit a wall where we’ve realized just how important it is to have some level of happiness and satisfaction in our day-to-day work lives.
I keep telling Jennifer (and myself) that these are high-quality problems and that we will find the balance, and I have faith that we will. What I’ve learned this week that setting a goal to arrive at the perfect balance within an allotted timeframe is just foolish. We are not perfect. We will not figure this out just by saying we will. It’ll take time, effort, and honesty.
I’ll report back in a few weeks when, hopefully, Jennifer and I will have learned a little more about how to once again find the balance we so desperately need. For now, we’ll rely on chocolate, cheese, and just a dash of wine.